Merry Christmas from the Damn Cat

Sam just prior to warrant being issued

Ahhhh, a full, quiet day to myself. I got four hours of work done on my novel last night and looked forward to more of the same today. It is roughly 0 degrees outside--though sunny--and with plenty of chocolate in the house, I had no plans to leave and skate with my Beetle across Columbus' unplowed roads.

Things were going swimmingly until around 9:30 a.m., when I was woken by the Damn Cat scratching at my legs on top of my quilt. I kicked moved him off, and within seconds he was back, scratching at me again. I sat up to make my intentions more clear, only to notice that he had peed all over my quilt.

Merry fucking Christmas from the Damn Cat, he said, grinning like an even more creepy Cheshire Cat.


Sam's laser death rays come on when you least expect it

I jumped up, irritating both dogs, and ripped aside the quilt, then the flannel sheets, to the waterproof cover I had ALMOST stopped putting on my bed when the Damn Cat seemed to have reformed over time. Thank God I hadn't. Peed all the way through to that.

Wishing my girls a Merry Christmas in the most cheerfully affected voice I could muster so they wouldn't think I was mad at them, I stripped the bed and headed for the basement washer. The quilt, a massive thing I got from a sale at LL Bean years ago, can only be washed in those industrial-size washers at the laundromat, which I suspect is closed today. I am quite certain the Damn Cat knows this.

On the way back from the basement, which is fucking cold, by the way, I stopped at BOTH litter boxes to see if they were full. Both--the one upstairs and the one downstairs--were clean.

So since I am in the writing mood over the holidays, I took a moment to compose a little something for the Damn Cat. It is called...

Top Ten Ways to Kill A Damn Cat on Christmas Day

10. Hope Santa left you some euthanasia solution in your stocking.
9. Wrap several poinsettia leaves for the cat and tell him they're a new type of catnip.
8. Open the front door he's always crying behind and tell him we're all going over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house--and we'll meet him there.
7. Loosen a screw on the tree stand, position the cat food just so, and wait for gravity to kick in.
6. Put him in a box, wrap it festively, and mail him to Hollywood after telling him that they've just selected him as the lead for the new film "All Good Cats Go To Heaven."
5. Tell him he's just been offered a prestigious consulting position at Covance Research Laboratories. (Okay, I know, that one's just mean.)
4. Cover him with barbeque sauce and present him to your normally affable pit bull after the latter has just finished watching her Christmas DVD "When Animals Attack."
3. Send him in an unmarked package to your ex-husband who, on your first date, said one of his favorite hobbies was target shooting using stray cats at the work yard.
2. Exchange him with your neighbor's orange cat (you know, they all look the same) under cover of night.
1. Give him an all-expenses paid, one-way ticket to Beijing's restaurant district.

Is this an awkward time to mention that I was able to renew my license to practice as a veterinary technician? Okay, maybe later.

Photo by rbatina on Flickr