"Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration."
Charles Dickens Read more!

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An Ordinary Miracle

Just after noon today, I entered the bank as discreetly as possible. In the lobby between the outside world and the inside office, a man dialing on his cell phone looked up and said "Hello there!" quite loudly and cheerily. I said "Hi" back in my best what-are-you-so-happy-about-tone.

A young teller called me right over and asked what I needed. I had the amount necessary for my house down payment written on a cloudy blue Post-it note. I stuck it on the counter facing her direction.

"Are you buying a house?" she asked brightly. What was with these people today?

"Yes." And I'm on the verge of a major anxiety attack because of it, so let's keep it quiet.

"First house?!"

When someone asks me a question, I can never plead the fifth. Can't keep my mouth shut to save my life. My gravestone will read: Died Talking.

"First house on my own since the divorce. It's a little nerve-wracking."

"Hey, Jane! It's her first house!" Three tellers turn my way and begin to applaud. For some reason that's when I notice my old wedding song, Sarah McLaughlin's "Angel," playing in the office. I feel my balance tipping in an unfavorable direction. I started re-arranging my wallet, ID, checkbook and bag on the counter to stall the waterworks. Stupid anxiety attack waterworks. Can't stop those with the Hoover Dam.

Jane comes over to authorize the cashier's check and positively beams. She reaches over to shake my hand.

"Congratulations! You must be so excited!!" Hmm, try nauseated and dizzy. My life savings sit neatly in one small piece of paper now on the desk before me. The teller has already crumpled up the sticky note, so apparently there's no turning back. Seems like someone has turned the radio up incredibly loud. That song always did go on forever.

I unsuccessfully try to fit the check in my wallet, then my checkbook, and find it not as conveniently sized as I originally thought. I shove it in my little shoulder bag and turn around slowly.

This is the definition of anxiety. You do something very exciting and worth celebrating and you feel like the world may end at any moment. One way I can tell when it's happening is by the fact that I can't type unless I go very slowly, and even then I have to keep backing up and correcting myself. There is a disjoint between my mind and my fingers.

No one saw me crying when I left the bank and got back into my car. I knew it was a regular release: crying stopped being a cause for alarm in my life very early on. As I turned on the car, Sarah McLaughlin was still singing the same song. I sat for a minute until it finished, then pulled out of the parking lot.

I was about to turn off the radio when they announced that this was a back-to-back show, and they had one more song from Sarah. The song they played is called "Ordinary Miracle," and its lyrics are below.

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It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when it’s time to snow
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds and winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up every day
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night

It’s just another ordinary miracle today
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

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Don't misunderstand me: Sarah McLaughlin is not a cure for anxiety attacks, but she can be a nice distraction. Maybe I'll remember how to type tomorrow. Read more!

Great Satire from MadTV

Steve Jobs from Apple unveils iPolitics

[Thanks to Jim Dietrich for link] Read more!

Thanks, Dave!

Message this morning from Dave Grohl's website:

Hello CowsGoFoo,

We at Foo Fighters Postboard would like to wish you a happy birthday today!

Foo Fighters Website Read more!

Heads or Tails?

Who do I have to talk to to get the road from Madison to Columbus designated as a wildlife crossing? Driving up last weekend my windshield was nearly taken out by an enormous male turkey who took flight (poorly and slowly, I might add) right in front of me. I must pass a dozen raccoon carcasses each time I make the trip--though thankfully I've sent none to their calling on my own. Tonight I passed three oblivious woodchucks munching away happily just inches from the roadway (and goodness knows those oblivious woodchucks are so much more bothersome than the focused and attentive ones).

The dogs and I went up to Columbus tonight to check on the progress of the new roof being installed on my new/old house. They are doing a great job so far. Unfortunately, they must be doing it on someone else's house, because mine looks the same way it did last week. Still, Ginger had many, many Columbia county squirrels to chase tonight--my favorite pastime of hers, as I am firmly affixed to the other end of her leash. Driving home I pondered whether the bank would still be willing to close if they don't complete the OMIGOD THAT BUCK IS GOING TO LAND RIGHT ON MY HOOD AND I SHOULD REALLY CHECK MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR BEFORE SLAMMING ON THE BRAKES LIKE THAT roof on time, as they had originally promised.

Nothing like an indecisive white-tailed deer to remind you of your mortality. I was certain we'd hit it: I just didn't know for sure if we'd hit the head or the tail. No one was close enough behind me to rear end me, nor did either of my dogs go through the windshield as I braked. And as the deer and I made eye contact--for what I figured was the first and last time--we each made a decision to swerve. And we both swerved to our respective right. That is why I am writing this to you from my desk at home and not in traction from a hospital bed.

Damn it, I need some ice cream. Read more!

Supersize Your Dog

As a veterinary technician in a small town, I worked for a veterinarian who had been in practice for fifty years and had seen just about everything. One day I received a call from a very concerned dog owner. The owner’s husband had been gardening and was using a common chemical fertilizer. When he left the yard for a moment, their Yorkshire Terrier found the bucket and started lapping it up like water. The wife discovered him doing this and panicked. Though the dog seemed to be acting okay, she was anxious to hear the doc’s opinion on what she should do next. Ingestion of any chemical by an animal is dangerous, and with small breeds it can be even more so. I concealed my own concern and told her I would ask the doctor immediately. Placing her on hold, I called out to the doc: “What should this woman do about her Yorkie that just ingested some chemical fertilizer?”
“That depends,” he replied. “How big does she want him to get?”

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Before anyone tells me to submit this to Reader's Digest, I did. Here's the fine print you see after sending in your piece. "Thank you! Your submission makes 20,711,711 jokes, quotes and funny true stories received to date. So far we've paid $25,313,500 to RD readers! If we decide to publish your submission, we'll send you a check! Due to various considerations, even usable items may not be published for six months or more. The competition for publication is intense; last year, editors selected only a few hundred stories from over a quarter-million submissions." Read more!

From my twisted friend Sharon in AZ

With all the sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started!

Shut up. You know it's funny. Read more!

Beauty lies in the eyes of the... Oh, forget it.

Meet "Elwood," voted this weekend as the world's ugliest dog in Petaluma, CA. Click on the blog title to see the fair's website. Elwood is two years old and was rescued by his much more attractive mother when she learned that Elwood's breeder was going to euthanize him because he was too ugly to sell. He is a Chinese Crested/Chihuahua mix. Nearly every contestant had some Chinese Crested in him or her. Coincidence? I think not.

> Read more!

Columbus Carriage Classic

This Father's Day weekend saw the annual Columbus Carriage Classic in south-central Wisconsin. It was very hard to watch knowing my Percheron Julian was just sitting home mowing the grass. If he wasn't such a dancer (he takes his ancient Arabian lineage very seriously) he'd make for some stiff competition up here. As it is, he'd probably just break some undesired speed records.

There were a few Percherons and Percheron crosses represented this weekend, along with the Belgian crosses and Shires or Shire crosses. The carriages were, without exception, exquisite, and their drivers managed to smile through their wool period costumes very convincingly!

The parade on Saturday evening seemed to go without a hitch (pun intended), though the number of cars making their way through the route was a bit disturbing. As I'll soon be a Columbus resident myself, I hope to volunteer next year to keep those gas-guzzlers a little further at bay.

Click here to see a few pictures taken with my most expensive disposable camera.

To check out the official link for the Columbus Carriage Classic, click on the title of this post. Read more!