[Dedicated with love to my sister Sarah, who "didn't think this would be her kind of thing" but went anyway and loved it.]
AVATAR: To Go or Not To Go -- The Official Questionnaire
1. Would you agree that Ridley Scott’s Alien was one of the best movies ever?
2. Have you ever, in your life, read even one science fiction novel? [You lie.]
3. Have you ever bought—and worn—one of those iridescent necklaces at a rock concert? And were you secretly sad when the light eventually went out?
4. Have you seen any 3D movie in the past ten years?
5. Have you seen the 3D trailer for Alice in Wonderland yet? Don’t you like Johnny Depp? What are you, some kind of lesbian?
6. Have you ever seen a movie with super-cool explosions where you didn’t enjoy the super-cool explosions?
7. Are you a fan of LOST, that series about mysterious events in a magical place with hot actors?
8. Can you safely say that you felt an unhealthy amount of pleasure when the character played by that obnoxious actress Michelle Rodriquez was killed off on LOST?
9. Would you enjoy seeing a movie where the first guy to get killed isn’t “the black dude?” [I may have to double-check this one.]
10. Are you a fan of the actor that played Phoebe-from-Friends’ dopey long-lost brother? Why not?
11. Have you ever resisted seeing a super red-hot movie because you thought it wouldn’t be cool, only to find out later that they weren’t making shit up about Star Wars (the first one) being phenomenal?
12. As of January 15, 2010, 1.8 billion people worldwide have seen Avatar. Even if half of them thought that it sucked, are you really so arrogant to think you have nothing in common with the 900,000,000 that did like it?
13. Do you really want to be the only person for the rest of your life that doesn’t get the cultural references to this movie at the workplace?
14. Do you realize how much it will suck that you have to watch Avatar on a regular TV when the sequel comes out and you can’t make yourself go to the second one without seeing the first?
15. Do you realize how cool you will sound joining the legion of critics who have gone to see the movie and dared to hate it?
16. Do you have something against the color blue?
17. Do you like trees?
18. Kittens?!
CLICK TO CHECK RESULTS...
Results: Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. I’m sure by now you must realize that if you had enough doubt about skipping this movie that you actually resorted to some dumb-ass questionnaire, you really should just suck it up and go see the damn thing.
As for the critics, professional and otherwise, I agree whole-heartedly that this movie is riddled--nay, completely based on--boldly plagiarized portions of more than a dozen critically-acclaimed films and books. As a cynic, I actually enjoyed picking out the plagiarism and matching it to the appropriate source--something James Cameron neglected to do in the final credits. But honestly, there is only one major flaw in this picture that stood out to me above all others:
Samuel L. Jackson is not in this film.
I called Samuel after my first viewing, still somewhat out-of-joint, and I asked him about it.
“Sam,” (I always call him Sam), “I am madder than a bull that just wandered into a Fry Festival because I just paid good money to see a film that you were not in.” I paused to let the weight of my displeasure register with him. I heard him pull hard on his cigar.
“Sam, my man, I have to know. Have you seen this flick?”
“Bitch,” (he always calls me bitch), “not ONLY have I gone to see this brilliant piece of work, I’ve done seen the son of a bitch three motherfuckin’ times!! Sheeeeit.”
Last question: So you think you’re better than Samuel L. Motherfuckin’ Jackson?
I did not think so.
AVATAR: To Go or Not To Go -- The Official Questionnaire
1. Would you agree that Ridley Scott’s Alien was one of the best movies ever?
2. Have you ever, in your life, read even one science fiction novel? [You lie.]
3. Have you ever bought—and worn—one of those iridescent necklaces at a rock concert? And were you secretly sad when the light eventually went out?
4. Have you seen any 3D movie in the past ten years?
5. Have you seen the 3D trailer for Alice in Wonderland yet? Don’t you like Johnny Depp? What are you, some kind of lesbian?
6. Have you ever seen a movie with super-cool explosions where you didn’t enjoy the super-cool explosions?
7. Are you a fan of LOST, that series about mysterious events in a magical place with hot actors?
8. Can you safely say that you felt an unhealthy amount of pleasure when the character played by that obnoxious actress Michelle Rodriquez was killed off on LOST?
9. Would you enjoy seeing a movie where the first guy to get killed isn’t “the black dude?” [I may have to double-check this one.]
10. Are you a fan of the actor that played Phoebe-from-Friends’ dopey long-lost brother? Why not?
11. Have you ever resisted seeing a super red-hot movie because you thought it wouldn’t be cool, only to find out later that they weren’t making shit up about Star Wars (the first one) being phenomenal?
12. As of January 15, 2010, 1.8 billion people worldwide have seen Avatar. Even if half of them thought that it sucked, are you really so arrogant to think you have nothing in common with the 900,000,000 that did like it?
13. Do you really want to be the only person for the rest of your life that doesn’t get the cultural references to this movie at the workplace?
14. Do you realize how much it will suck that you have to watch Avatar on a regular TV when the sequel comes out and you can’t make yourself go to the second one without seeing the first?
15. Do you realize how cool you will sound joining the legion of critics who have gone to see the movie and dared to hate it?
16. Do you have something against the color blue?
17. Do you like trees?
18. Kittens?!
CLICK TO CHECK RESULTS...
Results: Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. I’m sure by now you must realize that if you had enough doubt about skipping this movie that you actually resorted to some dumb-ass questionnaire, you really should just suck it up and go see the damn thing.
As for the critics, professional and otherwise, I agree whole-heartedly that this movie is riddled--nay, completely based on--boldly plagiarized portions of more than a dozen critically-acclaimed films and books. As a cynic, I actually enjoyed picking out the plagiarism and matching it to the appropriate source--something James Cameron neglected to do in the final credits. But honestly, there is only one major flaw in this picture that stood out to me above all others:
Samuel L. Jackson is not in this film.
I called Samuel after my first viewing, still somewhat out-of-joint, and I asked him about it.
“Sam,” (I always call him Sam), “I am madder than a bull that just wandered into a Fry Festival because I just paid good money to see a film that you were not in.” I paused to let the weight of my displeasure register with him. I heard him pull hard on his cigar.
“Sam, my man, I have to know. Have you seen this flick?”
“Bitch,” (he always calls me bitch), “not ONLY have I gone to see this brilliant piece of work, I’ve done seen the son of a bitch three motherfuckin’ times!! Sheeeeit.”
Last question: So you think you’re better than Samuel L. Motherfuckin’ Jackson?
I did not think so.
4 comments:
Well when you put it THAT way I guess I could see it. Still, I haven't ever read a science fiction novel...Sarah.
Never EVER?? How about Kafka--I think he might count. The Metamorphosis? Standard HS/College fare...
Uhhh, pretty sure that wasn't required reading in Dental Hygiene School... Sorry to disappoint. Never, ever read one. I'll still go to the movie though...that's something, right?!
Oops--I thought you were my SoCal friend Sarah, who is an English major. My bad. And I promise I won't even make you read Kafka, which really has nothing to do with this at all...
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