Whistle-Pig Night at the Dietrich Buffet

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if he actually spent his time chucking wood instead of eating all my fucking strawberries??? I guess I'll never know.

I first saw Chuckie two nights ago as I left for the barn. I was watching Brownie, the equally-cleverly-named squirrel that loves to empty my bird feeder while hanging upside down from the branches of my Redbud tree, when movement on the floor-level of my jungle yard caught my attention. Brownie and I watched as a woodchuck as big as a, well, big woodchuck, waddled down the driveway past the both of us, still dripping strawberry juice from his mouth.

I considered taking chase, but wasn't quite sure what I'd do with him when I caught him. It was too late for the strawberries, after all. Anyone for strawberry-flavored woodchuck pie?

With Chuckie gone under the neighbor's porch, I went over to the strawberries (while Brownie resumed emptying the feeder) and saw a single bite taken out of each berry. If he'd eaten a whole berry at a time, there might have been some left for me, but this guy was the ultimate buffet hog. Perhaps he didn't mind sharing with me and thought his actions rather generous, but I must admit the feeling was not mutual.

The only thing that kept me from setting some elaborate Caddy Shack trap for this uninvited whistle-pig was the fact that I have been eating nothing but strawberries for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a week now. (If floods are good for anything, they are most certainly good for strawberries.)

That, and the article that surfaced today in the Wisconsin State Journal:

WED., JUN 18, 2008 - 10:30 PM

Woodchuck stalker shoots her own foot

A woodchuck stalker shot herself in the foot Tuesday afternoon as she waited in her rural Ferryville vegetable garden to dispatch a marauding woodchuck.

Penny Gilman, 45, was treated and released from Vernon Memorial Hospital for a gunshot wound to her left foot, according to Crawford County Sheriff Jerry Moran.

Gilman was waiting in her garden on Severson Road, about 105 miles west of Madison, at about 4:25 p.m. for woodchucks when she accidentally shot herself with a .22-caliber rifle, Moran said. The rifle was a bolt-action repeater, he said. An initial investigation revealed there was a problem with the rifle, said Moran, and the rifle was confiscated by deputies for further study.

The model of the rifle in this accident, and the fate of the offending woodchuck, were not immediately available.

— George Hesselberg


Photo courtesy of Anne Robertson

Besides, who knows what Chuckie has stashed under the neighbor's porch?!