Nancy's Helpful Homeowner Tips

Or as Chris Cornell sang in Audioslave, “Somedays just ain’t so easy.”


1. If your county has been under a flash flood warning for three consecutive days and at least one of your neighbors has begun construction on an ark then yes, you should start paying attention to your meteorological surroundings.2. If you have recently spent all your life savings to move into a charming 87 year-old Colonial with a basement that does NOT include a sump pump, either buy one immediately or become very talented at the act of hose siphoning. De-humidifiers are nifty appliances that can be very useful for watering the garden, but can only do so much in terms of keeping your basement dry.
3. Be open to the idea that there may be areas outside of New Orleans that are also vulnerable to flooding. This could, in fact, include your town. Do you have that sump pump yet?
4. No doubt when you spent hours going over the new home insurance policy for your charming old Colonial you elected sewage backup insurance. I don’t know why you wouldn’t have, unless perhaps you never lived in a house with indoor plumbing. Or maybe you were, in fact, raised in a house without plumbing and those daily treks to the three-walled outhouse in a foot of snow so stunted your intellectual development that you didn’t even realize this was a vital insurance requirement in today’s modern society.
5. If you own any items that hold value—either monetary or sentimental—choose wisely where you choose to place them. Take, for example, an expensive drum set. Yes, wood floats, but some wood maintains its worth much longer if never exposed to water or, say, raw sewage. Drums would fall into this category.
6. Though this is hardly a cause of concern to you, who I am sure are the proud owner of a sump pump, the general sea-worthiness of your other basic appliances might also be considered when examining the water resistant quotient of your basement. Luckily, if you haven’t gotten around to getting that sump pump yet, you can at least sleep soundly at night knowing that you have that sewage backup insurance. Good job, Homeowner! One would hate to think what might happen if 8-12 inches of disgusting bile immersed the motherboards of your furnace, water heater, washer & dryer, or that damn exercise bike you HAD to have last winter. Not to mention a rockin’ drum set. Oh, what a shame that would be!
7. Neighbors. Neighbors are a two-edged sword. You despise them for the pink pig wind kites they hang on their front porches, but they do often contain valuable information. So, say, should be walking you dogs early one morning and one of your neighbors offers you a salutation consisting of, “So did your damn basement flood, too?” you might consider all the facts before glibly replying that no, your basement is as dry as your niece’s fresh diaper. No need to alienate someone who may later prove to be a good source of hose extensions.
8. Almost hate to add this tip at the expense of sounding condescending, but if you happened to spend more than $100 on a vacuuming device, it would be best stored on the main level of the home. Better an eyesore than another hit to the wallet in case of damage. (But keep that shiny new sump pump in the lower level!)
9. All of these are important considerations, but it also bears noting that one should avoid scheduling travel during times of extreme weather. You can’t reap the benefits of that sump pump (I’m so glad you got that!) if you are not home to plug it in. You know the goddamn cat won’t do it.

As we are all aware (unless you are a policy-maker in the Bush administration) today’s climate is ever-changing. You probably noticed that community glacier has diminished noticeably just in the time that you moved into town. (Yet another reason for that wonderful sump pump you invested in!) That being said, it is only prudent to consider how to proceed should you see the unforeseeable one fine soggy morning.

Imagine, if you even can, that you neglected to insure your domicile against sewage backup—even though the local streets were torn up for construction and sewage system updates at the time of your move-in. Pretend you got so caught up in minor distractions such as not being able to conduct business due to more than a week of AT&T fuck-ups that you forgot to pick up that sump pump. Picture your new hometown as the latest CNN update on unexpected flash flooding. (There you are! Wave to Anderson Cooper!) Think of how you might feel if your prized drum set was indeed set up to rock your neighbors anytime of day or night right in the center of your basement, within a stone’s throw of your washer, dryer and more-than-$100 vacuum cleaner.

Consider the feeling in the pit of your stomach should you wake to discover that 8 or more inches of sewage has indeed killed your furnace and water heater. Your uninsured furnace and water heater. Now imagine your ever-cheerful canine companion chasing you back and forth from the edge of your newly-installed basement swimming pool with a brightly-colored tennis ball she’d love for you to toss for her. Her eyes sparkle with mischief. (Isn’t she adorable?) As you attempt to explain the severity of the situation to her, your other dog is standing hock-deep in sewage, lapping up as much as possible before you can throw a sewage-drenched towel in her direction to interrupt her disgusting new habit.

But why waste the mental energy. You did, after all, get insurance and buy a sump pump.
Right?

If only bats were your worst problem. If that plane you’re about to board for Denver for a last minute, absolutely required business trip doesn’t go down in spectacular flames, I strongly suggest you flush yourself down the toilet at 30,000 feet. There’s no question at this point that it would be the brightest thing you’ve done in the last six weeks.